The switch

I call it the switch. The reason I do is because that was the day someone took a switch and literally "turned me off". It was May 5th...or 6th. It is such a blur but also so clear all at once. I would go back into my planner and look for the exact date but I don't think I am ready to see that stupid newborn screening reminder that was taped to a page in my planner. It all brings back terrible memories for me. On that day....May 5 or 6, we waited patiently in the lobby for the audiologist to come and get Charles, Liam and myself to conduct some additional hearing tests. We were taken into this room that looked much like a staged family room. A lazy-boy recliner, that looked like it was about ten years old, a soft lighted lamp and dim lights. Very cozy but sterile all at the same time. The audiologist had Liam stay in his car seat and we rocked him to sleep so she could begin testing. It was 10am. I remember sitting in the chair across from Charles winking at him, smirking and being the happiest woman alive. I just had a baby and my gorgeous husband was right there with me all the way. 30 min. past. Not a word from the audiologist as she studied the screen that displayed the results. I didn't think anything of it. How naive! I started to read my cut sheets on breastfeeding as she continued on testing. 30 more min. went by. Still no clue as to what was happening. Then it happened. 11:00. She looked up at Charles and I and gave us the results. "Your son is profoundly deaf". I heard nothing after that. I literally got up, left the room and began to hyper ventilate. I left my husband, my son and walked as fast as I could not knowing where I was going. I then came back inside, got on my hands and knees in a waiting room and began to pray. I almost passed out right then and there. I may have actually. I really don't remember much but only certain images. SHOCK. This is what shock is!
I then grabbed my phone and frantically called my Mom and Dad. No answer. I called Jason, my brother. Why? Because I thought they could fix it. I always run to them in times of desperation, fear or worry. I couldn't face going back into that dreadful room but I knew I couldn't leave my son and husband all alone. I told Jason Liam was deaf. He was amazing and his response was very kind but nothing helped me. I then decided to go back into the room where my two boys were. I hate that place. Still to this day!
I walked in the room and Liam sat there with his beautiful lips all puckered out sleeping. Charles looked up at me and he was white as a ghost. The wind was knocked out of our sail. What now? This was the beginning of a 2 1/2 month deep depression I have never experienced in all of my life.

newborn screening

As most of you know, our baby Liam was born on the 22nd of April 2009. The most painful and hardest experience I have ever been through but I must say....I would do it again! Liam is our only child so we had NO idea what to expect. On the 23rd of April we were still in the hospital and a young girl came into our room with some equipment. I will never forget her. She was young, bright eyed and very quiet. I wondered what she was doing in our room but then again so may people had been coming and going that I didn't think any thing of it. She leaned over to Liam who was asleep on my tummy and asked if she could do a hearing test. It is now mandatory in the state of Colorado to screen newborns. She did the test and had a puzzled look on her face and asked if she could do it again. I said yes, and thought nothing of it. She then conducted the test again. Still, that puzzled and almost worried look came over her face. I never shared this with my husband Charles but something didn't seem right.

I thought to myself, it is nothing. I mean really. I don't know one deaf person! My pregnancy was flawless and there is no history of hearing loss on either side of our family. It just didn't cross my mind that something really could be wrong.

The young girl said Liam did not pass his newborn screening test and that we needed to follow up in about two weeks with the audiologist to schedule a follow up appointment. I asked her if this was something I should be concerned about and she said that newborns fail all the time because fluid gets in the ears. My labor was very difficult and the nurses actually had told me that Liam had a lot of fluid in his lungs so my first thought was that it was indeed just that.

Two and a half weeks went by before our appointment. Did Charles or I ever notice something was wrong? I had a feeling I couldn't put my finger on and later Charles said he had a feeling Liam was deaf. He said there were a few times when the dogs would bark and Liam wouldn't even startle. Why didn't he say something??? Of course if he did I would have been in denial and couldn't have enjoyed those first two weeks of my newborn.