The switch

I call it the switch. The reason I do is because that was the day someone took a switch and literally "turned me off". It was May 5th...or 6th. It is such a blur but also so clear all at once. I would go back into my planner and look for the exact date but I don't think I am ready to see that stupid newborn screening reminder that was taped to a page in my planner. It all brings back terrible memories for me. On that day....May 5 or 6, we waited patiently in the lobby for the audiologist to come and get Charles, Liam and myself to conduct some additional hearing tests. We were taken into this room that looked much like a staged family room. A lazy-boy recliner, that looked like it was about ten years old, a soft lighted lamp and dim lights. Very cozy but sterile all at the same time. The audiologist had Liam stay in his car seat and we rocked him to sleep so she could begin testing. It was 10am. I remember sitting in the chair across from Charles winking at him, smirking and being the happiest woman alive. I just had a baby and my gorgeous husband was right there with me all the way. 30 min. past. Not a word from the audiologist as she studied the screen that displayed the results. I didn't think anything of it. How naive! I started to read my cut sheets on breastfeeding as she continued on testing. 30 more min. went by. Still no clue as to what was happening. Then it happened. 11:00. She looked up at Charles and I and gave us the results. "Your son is profoundly deaf". I heard nothing after that. I literally got up, left the room and began to hyper ventilate. I left my husband, my son and walked as fast as I could not knowing where I was going. I then came back inside, got on my hands and knees in a waiting room and began to pray. I almost passed out right then and there. I may have actually. I really don't remember much but only certain images. SHOCK. This is what shock is!
I then grabbed my phone and frantically called my Mom and Dad. No answer. I called Jason, my brother. Why? Because I thought they could fix it. I always run to them in times of desperation, fear or worry. I couldn't face going back into that dreadful room but I knew I couldn't leave my son and husband all alone. I told Jason Liam was deaf. He was amazing and his response was very kind but nothing helped me. I then decided to go back into the room where my two boys were. I hate that place. Still to this day!
I walked in the room and Liam sat there with his beautiful lips all puckered out sleeping. Charles looked up at me and he was white as a ghost. The wind was knocked out of our sail. What now? This was the beginning of a 2 1/2 month deep depression I have never experienced in all of my life.