After hearing of Liam's deafness

My Mother couldn't seem to get through to me after I had learned of Liam's hearing loss. A note she left for me that has been sitting on my desk at home for almost 9 months is something that has stuck with me and is so true.

"One of the most tragic things I know is that all of us tend to put off living. We dream of some magical garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside of our window today"

Liam is my garden of roses.

Snow Globe

It's the 11th of January. It is supposed to be a new year.... a year of starting over, resolutions and renewal. It hasn't been that way for me or should I say it hasn't been for the past 11 days. I am a little discouraged right now because of the insurance denial and then to find out today that most likely our appeal to United will not help in getting us any closer to an implant date. They, United, state that the FDA recommends implants at 12months. That being said, they will follow the books despite the research supporting early implantation and they won't listen. If only the underwriters had a little compassion. No, I take that back, not the underwriters, the CEO's. What is wrong with us? What is wrong with this world to deny a child of hearing when it is imperative for their development? What is wrong with us to allow people without insurance to die or go on being sick or mentally ill because they cannot afford it or because they are denied? Uhhhh, I just want to cry.
Today I was at my Endocrinologists office waiting for to have blood drawn. I have a hypo thyroid, or under active thyroid, and there was a concern that something may be wrong. Anyway, as I waited in the waiting room a gentlemen in a wheel chair rolled in and checked in with the receptionist. He was about 55 or 60, glasses, thin and balding, wearing a blanket instead of a coat. I couldn't take my eyes off of him because there was something so kind about his presence. I wondered to myself, because he has lived with a disability all his life, has he been treated fairly by insurance companies and has he had a good life. I mean, has he had a lot of financial challenges because he has been in a wheel chair? He could speak but not very clear. I just began to silently pray for him. Pray that God would bless him and his life and that he was loved. This is what I thought about all day today. People just want to be loved and treated fairly. So why are we all about the dollar? Why are people denied health care? Why do people go bankrupt and loose their homes, their marriage due to stress, their health because they cannot afford the proper treatments and doctors. Have we really come to be a society who is all about the bottom dollar? Yes, we have and that is why Liam will not hear for 3 more months. Thank you Mr. CEO of United. I hope you enjoy your bonus this year because you put off paying for my son's implants so you could have more money for that 3rd house on the lake front.

I got home from work and gave Liam his nightly bath. He splashed around in the tub enjoying every minute of it. His smile will light up a room and I could watch him play with his bath toys for hours. I took him out of the tub, dried him off, gave him a little foot massage and got him dressed. We sat together in our brown and white glider and stared at his little Poo snow globe. I shook the globe and the glitter would swirl and move all over Poo Bear and Piglet. Liam took it all in. I then turned the globe over to where you can wind it up and listen to it play a song. I wound it up and put Liam's hands on the globe to feel the vibrations of the music. When I first received the snow globe it was a gift. A gift to play music and help calm a baby or put them to sleep. This wasn't the case for us. Instead I heard the music while Liam watched in silence. What does it feel like, seem like? Tonight I took him upstairs and the room was dark. It was quite and I reached for the light switch. This is what it must feel like to be deaf. Pure silence, darkness, black. It was hard for me to think about.

Insurance Denial

We returned home from our 2 week Christmas vacation from the Midwest to find a letter from United Heathcare. It is January 2nd. I was hoping for the best, a letter stating they would approve Liam's bilateral implants. What we got was just the opposite. A denial letter. The first denial letter and we assume more to come based on the history of insurance companies. I didn't really know how to react. At first I thought, it was OK because Liam will be approved. Then I became very sad. Sad because it just means one more month of waiting, one more month my child cannot hear, one more month he has to in a silent world. I am mad, disappointed and so frustrated but there is nothing I can do. This is the way it is, so we were told by the audiologist. Our friend who has a son just a few weeks younger then Liam was approved for bilateral implants at 9 months. No denial letter. They have terrific insurance in my opinion. He will be the first child to receive bi-lateral implants at such a young age. What a blessing. There surgery is scheduled for February 10th.

I asked myself, do I let this bother me and cry and get upset and ruin our Saturday or do I accept it and move on? I accepted it. I have to cherish each and every day. Liam is such a joy despite his hearing loss. He doesn't care. He doesn't know any different.

The other day in the car we were driving back to Colorado from Illinois. I looked in the back seat to find Liam examining and studying a small red ribbon that was tied around his little Christmas bears neck. He ever so gently moved the red satin ribbon between his little 8 month old fingers, so fascinated and mesmerised. These are the things that hearing people take for granted. We don't study and appreciate the little things. We take so much for granted. I have learned to stop on walks with Liam and let him smell the flowers, touch the leaves on trees, run his hands through the grass and just enjoy life.